Bakura Versus The Vacuum Cleaner
by T3h Toby-Chan
Summary: As Ryou does the housework, Bakura discovers that there are evils beyond evil that must be disposed of at all costs. The epic battle begins...


**A/N**: Hi y'all! Howdy do! It's Toby again! I'm back from a rather brief hiatus due to my crippling writers block (Like anyone missed me?) and I believe I completed the first thing in a long time I can be proud of. (If it's about a vacuum cleaner, how sad is that?) I was inspired to write this when our family was having one of those big house cleaning sessions, and the constant whir of the vacuum cleaner reminded me:

_A:) How obnoxious vacuum cleaners are,_

_B:) How it is quite possible all vacuum cleaners are the spawn of satan,_

_C:) Eventually, they will make somebody lose their sanity._

This was intended as a one-shot, but I was getting inspiration for all sorts of gags to incorporate, so instead of going for the quick laugh, this epic struggle of Evil vs. Evil is in it for the long haul. (You don't want to know how scary my mind can be, when I can write multiple chapters about, well... this.)

Anywho, on with the fic!!!

**Bakura Versus the Vacuum Cleaner**

**By: Toby-Chan**

It could easily be said, that nothing would get on Yami no Bakura's nerves. Not for long, at least. Typically, if something mildly annoyed the tomb robber, he would dispose of it, cleanly (Or messily, if that was to his liking) and often sadistically. It could also be said, that he'd made a hobby of such disposals, mostly driven by the stipend of satisfaction he got when he wiped out an obstacle, with revenge kneaded into his process of doing so.

Such was his way of dealing with things, and he had grown confident in the pattern he'd made for himself. He never thought he'd have to choke down such an urge for revenge and or bloody murder, particularly against a foe that was of such evil origin.

Yes... an evil beyond evils...

It all began on a typical day. Ryou was downstairs doing something or other, while his Yami contentedly fiddled with some chess pieces upstairs in his room.

He didn't know the rules of the game, or more, had never bothered to learn them, but he liked the prospect of manipulating a small wooden army to whatever ends he pleased. On this current session of his newfound hobby, the white king was a vampire, who was seeking the conquest of the civilization of werewolves (the brown side). But being an enjoyer of unnatural cruelty, he put a few twists on the story by making the queen betray him, brutally murder several of her own nights, and kill the werewolf queen so she could be with the werewolf king. (Of course, unbknownst to all other pieces, this was just a ploy for power. She would devour her new lover as soon as she came into a position of influence.) He smirked and happily contemplated what a clever little witch this queen was, and how he admired her cunning. He was just about to move one of the knights into action against a bishop when-

**WHIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRR!!**

The sudden noise had startled him so, that he nearly jumped out of his skin. As he jolted, his hands hit the chessboard, and consequently sent a rook flying forcefully into his forehead, which left a red-ish castle-top mark.

He scrambled to get up, fearing it was that darned Akhmet out to get him after pursuing him for his avoidance of the afterlife in the past several thousand years. He scrambled down the stairs, and slid open the door to the sitting room with more force than he'd intended, to look panickedly at a cheery hikari handling some monstrous item.

Ryou turned and smiled, mouthing something or other over the unearthly loud noise, which was entirely lost on Bakura, who was focused on the monstrosity producing the noise. A little panicked arm flailing as well as some obscene and threatening gestures got the message through, and Ryou flipped the switch on the handle.

"Ara, Yami, what is it?"

Wide-eyed, Bakura held his mortified position, with a furious accusing finger pointed in the direction of said monstrosity.

"Wh-What in Ra's name is that thing?"

Ryou made an innocently confused face, and turned his head towards the object at which his Yami was pointing.

"You mean this? It's just a vacuum cleaner," he furrowed his brow, "You've seen it before."

Bakura sputtered.

"I'd remember if I saw that- that abomination!" Well, if he'd heard it to be more exact. Now was not a time for trivialities, though. He was thoroughly convinced that somebody's life was on the line if he spent too much time in the same room with that thing.

Ryou, on the other hand, was simply confused, and tried to offer an explanation.

"A vacuum cleaner is a machine that cleans carpets. It sucks up dirt into a bag. I've been thinking about getting a smaller one, since this is the only carpeted room in the house."

"Are the smaller ones-... quieter?"

"Not really, just more high pitched." This comment brought to mind in Bakura's head, the image of a bouncing baby monstrosity (Diaper and all), whining out it's siren scream, as it conspired to be the death of him. He wouldn't have it.

"No!" He said convictedly, his fists clenched.

"No, what?"

"No, I will not have that abomination in my house!"

"... This isn't your house, Yami. If I remember correctly, my parents were kind enough to let you stay."

Bakura twitched and stood himself up straighter to assure dominance.

"That's irrelevant!"

Somehow Ryou's subtle confidence was chewing away at the darker one, and power flopped from it's normal standing, as Ryou began to assume a role similar to a housewife chewing out her lazy husband.

"Tell you what." He said leaning on the handle of the vacuum cleaner, "Why don't you get a job, then maybe you can have some more say in what the policies of this house."

"I did get a job!" Bakura declared, defiantly.

"Oh, yeah, that one time..."

_--Bakura strutted through the aisle, fingering his shiny new tag, that read 'Hello, my name is Bakura: How may I help you?'. He had thought this job would be a breeze, but he found himself having to ask the Trainee manager questions left and right._

_'What on earth is this?' He asked confusedly, holding up the pink silky object.'_

_' That's a thong.' His manager replied, rather gruntly, with a hint of annoyance in her voice._

_'Oh... I knew that.' He said, shifting._

_'Bakura-kun, are you sure you have the expertise to work in a lingerie store?' She implored. He straightened himself out haughtily, and gave a confident reply._

_'Of course! I can do anything!' He was certain he'd been convincing._

_'Good. Then take those panties off your head.'_

_'How on earth do you get fired on your first day?' Ryou inquired, perplexed._

_Bakura declined to answer.--_

"You still haven't told me why you got fired." Ryou said.

Bakura shifted nervously and grumbled something about scaring customers away.

Several scenarios drifted through Ryou's mind, but he shook the question off and spoke again,

"I still have more cleaning to do. Why don't you just go upstairs and try to ignore it?"

Bakura opened his mouth to object, but then saw there was nothing he could do to get in the way of his Hikari, particularly when he was on an enthusiastic cleaning streak. Like an upset teenager, he stomped up the stairs, and slumped over the remains of his chess battle.

He tapped his finger, and tentatively chewed on the end of one of the pieces, gritting away his annoyance. The treated wood piece tasted terrible, and he spat, wiping his tongue off on his sleeve. He decided to just tap the piece against the wood floor, in anxious anticipation to whenever that thing was going to start up again.

After what seemed like both a milisecond, and an eternity at the same time, he flinched as the light bulb flickered, and the Whirring began again.

**WHIIIIIIRRRRRRR-**

He chewed on a nail.

**WHIIIIIIIREEEEEEEE**

He tapped the bishop piece against the floor.

**WHIIIIIRREEOOOOOWW-EEEEEOOOOWW-EEEOW!**

With more intensity he tapped, as he traced the patterns where this hideous vaccum was traveling in the floor beneath him.

**WHII**- It stopped.

He breathed a sigh of relief. He listened to the muffled clicks of what he hoped was Ryou packing up the vacuum cleaner.

**WHRRREEEEEEEEEEE-** It began again.

"&%!!!" He shouted, snapping the bishop in two between his fingers.

With intent fervor he stomped back downstairs, and slammed the door back open.

"Why in the name of Osiris aren't you finished yet???" He growled, a vein popping out on his forehead. the whirring slowed to a silence, and Ryou, who was slightly miffed, but barely showed it, replied,

"These things just take time, Yami."

"Can't you just skip it?"

"That may be good enough for you, but guests come over, and it's polite to at least keep a decently clean house. Now scoot yourself back up, and I'll be done in five minutes."

There seemed to be a dark cloud looming over the Egyptian's head as he trudged his way upstairs. He sat on his floor, gritting his teeth, pulling his hair, and all other manners of activities that would contain him from going ballistic against every living and inanimate object in sight.

He sat for what had to be more than five minutes, what was left of his sanity (He had some before?) dripping away.

By the time the sounds from downstairs had ceased, Bakura was reduced to lying in the fetal position in the middle of his bedroom floor, cursing to Osiris, Thoth, Horus, and every god he could think of, as well as some he wasn't certain even existed (But for the sake of his cursing, he hoped flibbertyjibbit was an Egyptian god).

As soon as he was certain it was silent for good, he pulled himself off the floor a mad vengeful look in his bloodshot eyes.

Yes, that vacuum was as good as dead.


End file.
